When the melody goes mute...

i came to wilson with alot on my mind. hopes. ideas. dreams. mindsets. values. emotions. everything. it was a new start. time to 'grow up'. i can easily say that 2009 was one of the worst years of my life. but i learnt so much... i guess that IS why i learnt. fybmm at wilson was more exciting than i could imagine. i knew there would be projects. but they were alot more challenging than i anticipated. i knew id be establishing new relationships. but they went alot deeper than i thought they would. i was ready to tackle the world, confident and positive. but i dint know that i would absolutely lose myself.
everytime you go through a bad situation, u think that things cant get any worse. but just like a hindi soap, when things look a teeny-weeny but promising, it all comes crashing down, worse each time. and after a million times of reassuring yourself of your strenght to get through, you finally just want to collapse. desperate measures. where self respect is that kid in class who you only make fun of and dont bother with otherwise.
but then the year ends. brilliant timing. if i had to stretch this term for another day id be beating up the poor kid, the one who represents self respect.
sorrowful disgusting pity. yuck.
so as much as i want to remain an FY, i cant wait to start over.these are the holidays that iv been aching for. it hurts to say goodbye to this academic year and all its components cause its filled with amazing memories. but id rather lose every memory of it than go through it again.
time to find myself again. the strenght, confidence and respect. so cheers to a new friggin begining.

Between here and some place near Venus,
the tears of longing and of hopelessness.
Between a warm hug and cold shoulder,
a heart-keeper and heart-holder.
Between sunny beaches and rain,
A cab-ride and then a train.
Between desire and regret,
something to give and something to get.
Between a garden and a station,
an admiration and accusation,
somewhere in between, I lost you.

But im just here. Im swallowing myself, in this stagnant pool of sadness. Theres a way out. I know the way. But I just sit here, bubbling in grief. Don’t judge me cause I write like I need a jar of anti-deppresants.. im just low. This is how I take it out. If I could, id puke till my guts swelled to the size of texas, just to get this out of my system. But all I do is write graphic fammy verse! How gay is that? Thing is.. I don’t even care. I WANT to write it. I can get up. I can do something. I should. It’s the only sensible thing. But my stupid, stubborn wannabe self righteous self just ignores that voice that permits light into this grey stench. Immaturity. I hate to say that it pretty much defines me. What if I just let go and do something crazy? Wait. I already did. Does that mean im ‘allowed’ to not give a damn about anything and simply roll around on a bed of unaccepted self pleasurising rebellious deeds? Heck, no. But iv to put up the face. And swim against the current to reach where I actually want to be although just drowning feels so much easier.

So i got into zombie mode i.e. not-think-about-anything-i-should mode. So far, its at least helping me enjoy the things around me. But who am i kidding?