When the melody goes mute...

Remember that scene in ice age 1 where the dodos are trying to prevent sid from stealing the 3 melons theyve been saving so that they survive the ice age? And unfortunately, 2 melons fall off the cliff somehow n sid gets his hands on the last one (to feed the baby) and all the dodos say in unision and slow-motion 'the lasssstttt mellloonnnnn' with long faces?? remember??huh?? no?
ok fine.. cann the last melon.. today is the last day.. of 2009..
(full sad intro na?? yep.. roll your eyes till u see your brain.. hehehahahha.. my pleasure..!)
So.. this year has been awesome... kinda simliar to 2007... it started off with no studying n lotsa tension.. then the unavoidable board exams.. then much awaited hols n happy days..then college admission... then new college, new people, lotsa fun.. then the most evident parallel to 2007, new guy... a time of bliss.. then serious complications... ups n downs... till it turned into only downs... n then.. the last week of the year.. unlike 2007, where things changed.. changed for the good :)
2009 has been a year of learning for me... just like every year, i feel like i was such a kid the previous year n i know so much more now... im glad its like that.. id hate to be stuck with the minimal knowledge and wisdom i have.. so every years been getting more thrilling, scarier even.. n tougher.. In fact, for the 1st time i made some resolutions.. n 10 personal 'vice-commandments' :D... lil cheezy na? but i want to get somewhere, n having it on paper makes it easier. I dont really want to write about the new year n my aspirations n all.. we've had enough of it all around us .. ya know... *booming voice* 'TWO THOUSAND TEN'.. all that jazz... na.. i want to write about this year.. 2009.. i loved it... n as much as i want it to end... there are so many things that happened this year that i want to remember forever..
People... or one person particularly.. who i learnt alot from... n also.. in the course of the various unfortunate situations that kept occuring, i learnt some valuable lessons.. that HAS to be the highlight of my year... n it also pretty much determines what my aspirations for the next year will be...
It was literally a roller coaster.. a mixture of emotions..immaturity n confusion.. but beyond all that.. the biggest lessons i learnt were that im nothing without God.. n i cannot rely on my own strenght to resist temptation.. n there's only place for one God in my life.
luckily, i have loads of diary entries n photographs to remember this year... but all of a sudden, im so excited about whats happening next year that all this 'evoking' seems boring.. so..
Happy New Year!!

Therefore, behold, I will hedge up your way with thorns, And I will build a wall against her, That she can't find her way. She will follow after her lovers, But she won't overtake them; And she will seek them, But won't find them. Then she will say, 'I will go and return to my first husband; For then was it better with me than now.' For she did not know that I gave her the grain, the new wine, and the oil, And multiplied to her silver and gold, which they used for Baal. Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, And my new wine in its season, And will pluck away my wool and my flax which should have covered her nakedness. Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, And no one will deliver her out of my hand. I will also cause all her celebrations to cease: Her feasts, her new moons, her Sabbaths, and all her solemn assemblies. I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees, About which she has said, 'These are my wages that my lovers have given me; And I will make them a forest,' And the animals of the field shall eat them. I will visit on her the days of the Baals, To which she burned incense, When she decked herself with her earrings and her jewels, And went after her lovers, And forgot me," says Yahweh. "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, And bring her into the wilderness, And speak tenderly to her. I will give her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor for a door of hope; And she will respond there, As in the days of her youth, And as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt. It will be in that day," says Yahweh, "That you will call me 'my husband,' And no longer call me 'my master.' For I will take away the names of the Baals out of her mouth, And they will no more be mentioned by their name. In that day I will make a covenant for them with the animals of the field, And with the birds of the sky, And with the creeping things of the ground. I will break the bow, the sword, and the battle out of the land, And will make them lie down safely. I will betroth you to me forever. Yes, I will betroth you to me in righteousness, in justice, in loving kindness, and in compassion. I will even betroth you to me in faithfulness; And you shall know Yahweh. It will happen in that day, I will respond," says Yahweh, I will respond to the heavens, And they will respond to the earth; And the earth will respond to the grain, and the new wine, and the oil; And they will respond to Jezreel. I will sow her to me in the earth; And I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy; And I will tell those who were not my people, 'You are my people;' And they will say, 'My God!'"

The distance beguiles.
It tugs at time to delay.
Strange is the absence.
Yet it sprouts content.
It hurts you.

Moments of weakness.
Hours of strenght.
That darn jiffy captures.
It costs a fortune.
I'll pay for you.

Voices croon and lies surface.
Choices push you away.
Dreading what happens next.
Theres only room for one in here.
Its not you.

ok.. i like alliteration.. its very obvious.. yeah.. juvenile phrasing.. ok
SO.. i normally write once a day, but im starting to love it so much, i just have to write again. It started with all those poems n 'essays' (if thats wat they are) that were written when i was going through some tough times. I re-read them n i sorta laugh at me. It seems so stupid. But im human. Everyone goes through it. Some write about it. Anyway, since it started that way, i thought i write only when im depressed or something.. but i realised.. i write when im overwhelmed with emotion.. im attatched to it now.. i love it! i dont read.. but writing is an expression. like music. only easier to understand though..
Today, after like MONTHS.. i danced in the bathroom.. i know there are many ppl who do it, its one of those feel-good things.. especially if you're doing for the 1st time after a really rough time. 'rough' is an understatement. make that depressing, lonely, foolish.. ah, i dont want to get there.
So it was me and the shower.. nice warm water on a chilly night.. music playing nice n loud.. itunes on shuffle.. me singing.. ok shouting.. when i knew the words.. n just dancing like a maniac when i dint.. the mother got bugged that i took so friggin long in there.. but heck, it was awesome.. i felt so happy..
another would be christmas night.. went to church on 24th night and a party after that.. 1st time that dad let me go out with friends after church at night WITHOUT a curfew.. was a lil depressing now n then but i had fun.. Then i woke up early to visit my grandmother (nana) in the hospital.. we gave her perfume, nailpoilishes n lipsticks for christmas.. n i opened it for her n she was so happy.. Even better, i painted her toenails n put lipstick on her lips, sprayed her with perfume n gave her some christmas sweets.. i felt so good.. the joys of doing things for other ppl..
then we had family over n christmas lunch.. n gift opening session.. happiness.. Then.. the best part.. i settled for the rest of the evening watching movies alone one after another on the couch with my blanket n comfy sweats, eating kulkuls (my fave) with only the lights of the christmas tree on.. oh joy..
(n im not being saki)
just looking at that tree makes me happy..
There was a time when i had mentally listed the things that make me happy.. i forgot all about it cause for a while, nothing made me happy.. nothing at all.. but im outta there now.. im me again.. oh ill probably 'write' about the lil things that make me happy..!

'Never give up, be strong'
So cliched.

People. Situations.
Words. Emotions.
Failed attempts and fake smiles.
Heaviness. You want to fall.
Negativity is a lifestyle.
Happiness is a dream.
Innocence. You miss it.
Weakness. A friend.
Its all closing in on you.
The need to breathe.
Someting's amiss. You crave to know.

I say.. Give it all up. Stop trying.
Fear the Lord.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3: 8-9

How many times can one fall and rise again?
How long will that flame endure the smothering till its out?
How much pain can a lover take till grace becomes a legend?
How selfish are we that we call these lives our own?

When will we learn to be what we are meant to?
When must one cease to bend, thus break?
When shall mortality suspend on the Wall of Fame?
When are we going to get out of the way?

What are we flirting with?
What will a lover keep from you?
What is so complicated?
What if we didn't have choices?

Where can u go from here?
Where do we search for answers without questions?
Where does darkness shine?
Where are you, really?

Why does victory walk with surrender?
Why must we have weaknesses?
Why aren't we all chosen?
Why do we question?

This may be an insult.. but yes.. this is poetry.
Im not writing cause i love it. Im writing. Pleasurable.
I now know what kind of writer I am.
I dont really care, I just write.
Judge me.
In my brighter days, there will be verse. Normal. Well chosen words.
Or maybe not. Maybe i write only when im feeling bitter.
And I get peasure out of writing absurd.
Face it. This hoard of words is a poem.
You wont see the end coming. I dont either.
Now, you're alert. You're loking for it.
You're expecting the end, the final line, to conclude this mess..
Chop

Its weird how im tempted to say the common phrase 'I hate my life' everyday!
Its so not me. Im a happy person.. or i was.. and I loved it that way.
This whole writing-when-im-emotional thing is kinda cool,
but I never needed a pen and paper or a 'blog' to talk to.
I know the feeling, loneliness, back when I lost my best friend,
people try and take his place, it may seem ok, but no.. who am I kidding?
Its so clear, the reason for this- Im incomplete.
The answers right there, but im weak, so i need to hear it again.. repeat.
I cant even right a decent poem, it rhymes, big deal.
Point is: im messed. Why'd the scab invent the wheel?
Im writing with no aim. I cant even write.
This poems lost its theme, noones reading anyway right?

you make me angry, you
you make me hate, me
you make me cry, everyday
you make me regret, everything
you make me hurt, bad
you make me forget, jackass
you make me lonely, of late
you make me jealous, of her
you make me stupid, unfortunately
you make me blind, temporarily
you make me do, poker
you make me be, another
go away!
dont come back!
i miss u
'oh joy'

I intended on writing poetry, lyrics n other such here.. but i guess im not.. i can write in my diary, but this page was starting to look too boring so i decided to fill it up with this! im supposed to be doing my project, but i dont feel like. im writing here cause for the 1st time in a long time, im feeling alone. Although i know for a fact that im not n that theres one person who'll never leave me, i've gone so far from him thats its become difficult to hear him.. hence the title.. mistake.
Its not a person im talking about. Its God. My best friend. My everything. Unfortunately, even after the many warnings he's been giving me about the way im living my life, i kept turning my back on him. The reason? love. There are many different kinds of love. I wont harp on that now. But the love im talking about is friendship cum infatuation.. not agape.. i tried waiting, so that it would turn into true, everlasting, unconditional love.. but it didnt. mistake.
I always thought that i wouldnt get into a relationship unless i knew the guy was 'the one' n id be able to give him 'my all'.. this guy isnt perfect.. but i'd love him so much that he'd seem to be perfect for me. How i know he's the one? well, my God picked him out for me.. n he'll bring us together when the time is right. i thought id wait for him. so that ill be able to tell him that i waited, so that i could give him my everything, cause he's so special. but i didnt. mistake.
i made so many decisions. i thought i was righteous. i thought i was strong. but i gave in so easily. theres no one to blame but me. why was i not strong? cause i depended on my own will power. i should've been leaning on God, doing what he told me to.. it was so clear what he wanted from me.. it still is.. its so simple.. but no, i was proud.. i thought i could tackle the world on my own. i was wrong. theres no use 'harking back' on all this now. its over n i cant do anything about it. i maybe forgiven but somethings never change. which is why they're called.. mistakes.
i was stupid. now that i think of it. i know what i had to do. and 'everyone' would be happy. yes, life is no bed of roses, but at least it wouldnt have been this friggin bed of 'thorns' im laying in now. i cant regret anything, cause i learnt some important lessons. nevertheless, ill always know that i failed God. Something i thought was impossible, something that id never even dream of. but it happened. n in failing God, i failed myself. Not only that, ive hurt my parents and friends. So just because of my sillyness, my immaturity.. ive caused hurt to everyone. these things happen. theyre learning experiences. part of growing up. everyone makes.. mistakes.
Lonely? as i said in the begining.. because i realised that ive never had a real true friend. there have been many very special people.. they come n go.. some stay longer.. but theyre friends, who i can talk to about ALMOST everything. no matter how close ive gotten, n how much i can open up, its still incomplete. Each friend has managed to satisfy different needs but theres always one thing lacking.. Except with God.. who happens to be my real friend.. its not a joke.. its not religion.. its a relationship.. which involves '2 way communication'.. but because of several reasons.. n lack of effort from me.. i dont hear that voice anymore.. i know he'll never let me go.. but its the distance.. thats literally maimed me.. im a different person..change is good.. but THIS change has made me n all who matter to me - sad. They all know that i made some.. mistakes.
i can actually go on n on about this. Theres so much on my mind. Problems with my closest friend (a lil too many.. yep). Issues at home. College work. all of which consume my thoughts at all times.. the former taking the majority. But the real issue.. the one which bothers me most.. is how i literally disobeyed God one too many times. and ALL of this.. EVERYTHING that causes me n my dearest hurt.. is because of that stupidity. It wouldnt have happened if i had set my priorites right n did what he kept telling me to do over n over again.. If i'd lived that song that i sung.. i'd have been a wise, mature person.. id not have leaned on my own understanding. Worse.. i knew this all along.. but i ignored it.. true, it became even harder cause of people, places and situations.. but the real problem was.. and is.. with me.. mistake.
But theres hope for me. Cause i know my redeemer lives. It may take time. I may fail a few times. But ill get out of this. He's standing there with his arms open waiting to embrace me. n all i want to do is run... but there are so many distractions.. i keep losing my focus.. soo soo many things.. all the time.. i wish i could just run away.. be alone.. be still.. one on one.. but im here.. n ill keep fighting.. till i hear him once more.. till we're united again.. cause im sure about one thing.. i am not a mistake.