I intended on writing poetry, lyrics n other such here.. but i guess im not.. i can write in my diary, but this page was starting to look too boring so i decided to fill it up with this! im supposed to be doing my project, but i dont feel like. im writing here cause for the 1st time in a long time, im feeling alone. Although i know for a fact that im not n that theres one person who'll never leave me, i've gone so far from him thats its become difficult to hear him.. hence the title.. mistake.
Its not a person im talking about. Its God. My best friend. My everything. Unfortunately, even after the many warnings he's been giving me about the way im living my life, i kept turning my back on him. The reason? love. There are many different kinds of love. I wont harp on that now. But the love im talking about is friendship cum infatuation.. not agape.. i tried waiting, so that it would turn into true, everlasting, unconditional love.. but it didnt. mistake.
I always thought that i wouldnt get into a relationship unless i knew the guy was 'the one' n id be able to give him 'my all'.. this guy isnt perfect.. but i'd love him so much that he'd seem to be perfect for me. How i know he's the one? well, my God picked him out for me.. n he'll bring us together when the time is right. i thought id wait for him. so that ill be able to tell him that i waited, so that i could give him my everything, cause he's so special. but i didnt. mistake.
i made so many decisions. i thought i was righteous. i thought i was strong. but i gave in so easily. theres no one to blame but me. why was i not strong? cause i depended on my own will power. i should've been leaning on God, doing what he told me to.. it was so clear what he wanted from me.. it still is.. its so simple.. but no, i was proud.. i thought i could tackle the world on my own. i was wrong. theres no use 'harking back' on all this now. its over n i cant do anything about it. i maybe forgiven but somethings never change. which is why they're called.. mistakes.
i was stupid. now that i think of it. i know what i had to do. and 'everyone' would be happy. yes, life is no bed of roses, but at least it wouldnt have been this friggin bed of 'thorns' im laying in now. i cant regret anything, cause i learnt some important lessons. nevertheless, ill always know that i failed God. Something i thought was impossible, something that id never even dream of. but it happened. n in failing God, i failed myself. Not only that, ive hurt my parents and friends. So just because of my sillyness, my immaturity.. ive caused hurt to everyone. these things happen. theyre learning experiences. part of growing up. everyone makes.. mistakes.
Lonely? as i said in the begining.. because i realised that ive never had a real true friend. there have been many very special people.. they come n go.. some stay longer.. but theyre friends, who i can talk to about ALMOST everything. no matter how close ive gotten, n how much i can open up, its still incomplete. Each friend has managed to satisfy different needs but theres always one thing lacking.. Except with God.. who happens to be my real friend.. its not a joke.. its not religion.. its a relationship.. which involves '2 way communication'.. but because of several reasons.. n lack of effort from me.. i dont hear that voice anymore.. i know he'll never let me go.. but its the distance.. thats literally maimed me.. im a different person..change is good.. but THIS change has made me n all who matter to me - sad. They all know that i made some.. mistakes.
i can actually go on n on about this. Theres so much on my mind. Problems with my closest friend (a lil too many.. yep). Issues at home. College work. all of which consume my thoughts at all times.. the former taking the majority. But the real issue.. the one which bothers me most.. is how i literally disobeyed God one too many times. and ALL of this.. EVERYTHING that causes me n my dearest hurt.. is because of that stupidity. It wouldnt have happened if i had set my priorites right n did what he kept telling me to do over n over again.. If i'd lived that song that i sung.. i'd have been a wise, mature person.. id not have leaned on my own understanding. Worse.. i knew this all along.. but i ignored it.. true, it became even harder cause of people, places and situations.. but the real problem was.. and is.. with me.. mistake.
But theres hope for me. Cause i know my redeemer lives. It may take time. I may fail a few times. But ill get out of this. He's standing there with his arms open waiting to embrace me. n all i want to do is run... but there are so many distractions.. i keep losing my focus.. soo soo many things.. all the time.. i wish i could just run away.. be alone.. be still.. one on one.. but im here.. n ill keep fighting.. till i hear him once more.. till we're united again.. cause im sure about one thing.. i am not a mistake.
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