When the melody goes mute...

i came to wilson with alot on my mind. hopes. ideas. dreams. mindsets. values. emotions. everything. it was a new start. time to 'grow up'. i can easily say that 2009 was one of the worst years of my life. but i learnt so much... i guess that IS why i learnt. fybmm at wilson was more exciting than i could imagine. i knew there would be projects. but they were alot more challenging than i anticipated. i knew id be establishing new relationships. but they went alot deeper than i thought they would. i was ready to tackle the world, confident and positive. but i dint know that i would absolutely lose myself.
everytime you go through a bad situation, u think that things cant get any worse. but just like a hindi soap, when things look a teeny-weeny but promising, it all comes crashing down, worse each time. and after a million times of reassuring yourself of your strenght to get through, you finally just want to collapse. desperate measures. where self respect is that kid in class who you only make fun of and dont bother with otherwise.
but then the year ends. brilliant timing. if i had to stretch this term for another day id be beating up the poor kid, the one who represents self respect.
sorrowful disgusting pity. yuck.
so as much as i want to remain an FY, i cant wait to start over.these are the holidays that iv been aching for. it hurts to say goodbye to this academic year and all its components cause its filled with amazing memories. but id rather lose every memory of it than go through it again.
time to find myself again. the strenght, confidence and respect. so cheers to a new friggin begining.

Between here and some place near Venus,
the tears of longing and of hopelessness.
Between a warm hug and cold shoulder,
a heart-keeper and heart-holder.
Between sunny beaches and rain,
A cab-ride and then a train.
Between desire and regret,
something to give and something to get.
Between a garden and a station,
an admiration and accusation,
somewhere in between, I lost you.

But im just here. Im swallowing myself, in this stagnant pool of sadness. Theres a way out. I know the way. But I just sit here, bubbling in grief. Don’t judge me cause I write like I need a jar of anti-deppresants.. im just low. This is how I take it out. If I could, id puke till my guts swelled to the size of texas, just to get this out of my system. But all I do is write graphic fammy verse! How gay is that? Thing is.. I don’t even care. I WANT to write it. I can get up. I can do something. I should. It’s the only sensible thing. But my stupid, stubborn wannabe self righteous self just ignores that voice that permits light into this grey stench. Immaturity. I hate to say that it pretty much defines me. What if I just let go and do something crazy? Wait. I already did. Does that mean im ‘allowed’ to not give a damn about anything and simply roll around on a bed of unaccepted self pleasurising rebellious deeds? Heck, no. But iv to put up the face. And swim against the current to reach where I actually want to be although just drowning feels so much easier.

So i got into zombie mode i.e. not-think-about-anything-i-should mode. So far, its at least helping me enjoy the things around me. But who am i kidding?

There are three stories to tell. His, mine and his.
One blamed, one to be blamed and one blameless.
All he ever did was love me, want me, give me.
I saw, I see, and all that tenderness, I was happy.
All he ever wanted was reciprocation, undeniably well-deserved.
Instead I flaunted his gifts to those who haven’t heard.
Meanwhile, charmer in armor and white horse, he lifted me up with soft touch.
A new feeling, blissful and tender, I forgot my love. Life is such?
We rode into the sunset, a pretty pair we were.
Till guilt reminded me of my waiting Dear.
‘I messed up. I don’t love you. My darling awaits me, I must go.’
But he kissed me and my body lay there helpless and low.

We like to talk about
how open-minded we are, about
how much we know, about
how much we've been through, about
how we play the game.
Pride has gripped us inside-out.
Finding solutions to reapeated problems
and we think we can conquer the world.
Painting pictures of the world as we see it.
But how do you know you're right?
A hypothesis and proof?
Stop. Wait.
For the Lord is beyond.
For the Lord is infinity.

A bond is unsafe
Cause you can sense it
Sense that there’s something wrong
You already know but you don’t want to face it
Clinging on to the streak of truth in my eyes
But do I know the truth?

Something about us,
We’re always falling.
Not in or out but down, deeper.
You yearn for them,
I dream of them,
That short span of time,
When all we know is each other.

A voice screams inside: Stop! But
the risk, the danger,
the passion, the past.
And undeniably, the warm bliss.
Following surely is a shudder,
a chill, until,
Frozen.

Expecting some crazy dark poem with hidden meanings and imaginary death metal music playing in the background when youre reading it? *pauses for response*
.....
*BAHH* wrong answer!
Im taking it a lil more literally here. Im mentally exhausted. not brain'dead'. oh well u can make it brain'dying'. *pauses for response*
.....
*punch*
Ok no more sad ones... ok 1 more: 'what did the hippo say to the duck??'... alright no more sad ones!
Its good to write rubbish sometimes! at least for me! and for readers... depends!
Lets have some raunak shaunak...!
not

Can you hear it?
The song in my heart,
Faintly playing,
Amplitude increasing,
A symphony like no other.
The beat of my pulse,
The dance in my stomach,
An unknown harmony,
Ringing in my bones.
An invisible spotlight,
For this eternal choir,
Striking each note ardently.
A song for the world,
A song for the one,
A song blazing within.

I woke up one morning with a call from below
He called my name but the voice I didn't know
Yet it was familiar.
Peeking through the keyhole I saw what I could see,
''Come on out, you cant hide from me''
It was Daddy.
I hugged him and kissed him and wouldn't let loose,
Till I saw this bike on the porch waiting to be used,
"It's for me?!''
Eager and frightened about this novelty, I ran out to see it,
"You gotta learn to ride child, hurry, go get your kit."
I was ready.
The seat was too high and the wheels were too smooth,
Daddy held me while I rode and said I was doing good,
"Let me go!"
But he knew better for it was too early,
"I cant leave you now, you'll scrape your knee!"
"Let me go!"
It broke his heart for his plan was different,
But I was enjoying this and I was confident,
"You're not ready!"
No trainer wheels and understanding of control,
"Oh, please let me go daddy, Im a big girl now!"
He let go.
It was exhillirating, this untried freedom,
I made a mental note to try out paragliding,
On my own.
"Child, slow down or you'll fall t... "
I couldnt hear daddy for I was now far,
It didn't matter.
The road turned left so I did too,
How much do I steer, who knew?
"Daddy! Help!"
But daddy wasnt there and I lost control,
Why wasn't he there, why'd he let me fall?
I was bleeding.
Then he lifted me up and I cried in his arms,
He cleaned my wounds and made me calm,
I was alright.
"Im sorry daddy, I should've listened"
"Thats alright dear, its all forgotten"
He kissed me.
"But why didn't you catch me when i called for your hand?"
"So you'd know what would happen if you tried that again"
A timeless moment.
The next day we got back to the bike,
"Im scared", "It'll be alright"
"Im with you."
So we started again just like the previous day,
I waited till daddy thought it alright to give way,
I got impatient.
Daddy took time to teach me all the basics,
Once I got them right, he would let me try it,
So i waited.
Finally he let me go and I was going solo,
It felt better this time, and I wanted more,
I was tempted.
I was torn between daddy and this race,
So I searched for an answer on his beautiful face,
"Im right here."
Thrilled, I pedaled faster, full of glee,
And daddy ran with me effortlessly,
Hello Euphoria!
The left turn arrived with a lump in my throat,
Suddenly I was reminded of all the hurt,
I fumbled.
But daddy caught me and straightened my path,
"You trust me, dont you?", "With all my heart"
We kept going.

Like a childs game: words unlocking a dream,
time stood still.
Wrong or right, it didn't matter.
You and I and a fantasy etched.
A nightingale, she sang while water fell,
the moon lighting up a simple wooden bench for us,
it wasn't so simple anymore.
Hand in hand in oblivion,
grinning knowingly and unapologetic.
Far from the vicious reality
of the past, present and future,
where you consumed my mind.
Like a pillar of hope, it stood
Our secret place.